GREATEAST INFLUENCE

A thought hit me recently (can't quite remember when or where) about various passages of scripture. It occurred to me that, when discussing some of the very most good and also evil of things, often the Lord personifies what He is talking about into a woman. For instance, on the evil side, we have the whore of all the earth and other such depictions of an evil woman to symbolize depravity and wickedness and the devil. On the other hand, the collective most righteous people in the world, Zion, is compared to a virtuous woman in beautiful and resplendent garments and is even the symbolic bride of the bridegroom, our Savior.

Maybe I'm looking too much into things, but I don't think it's coincidence that both the good and evil of the world are personified into women. In my experience, women have had the greatest influence in my life, both for good and for ill. Most of my greatest joys that involve other people involve women, and I'm not even a husband or father yet. At the same time, it has also been women who have caused more difficulty and hardship in my life than men.

To me, this is just another evidence that women are, on average, far more influential in the lives of most people than men. It's unfortunate to me that many fail to recognize this simply because it's more often men in positions of prominence in the world. However, I think in the more personal realms, positions of personal prominence are dominated by the fairer gender.

I'd be glad to hear any thoughts anyone has on the subject, whether you agree with my conclusions or not. :)

A WISE EXTRACT

I recently came across an excerpt that I found interesting from a book titled "The One in the Mirror," by Ramesh S. Balsekar. I thought it good enough to share. The subject being discussed is true love. If you don't get what he's saying, just skip to the last paragraph. The really good stuff is there.

For the average person, love is a manifestation of the violent, possessive doership of the ego. Whereas for the spiritual person, it is not a sentiment at all, but a state of mind in which love exists to the degree in which the selfish element is transcended.

According to the average person, the desire for possession is the criterion, the touchstone of sincerity or reality by which love is to be judged. Even the mother is accused of not loving her child if she is not particularly possessive towards her baby. Love - the sentiment, and love - the non-affective state of mind, where a subject-object relationship does not exist, are infused by the same force. Though basically not different, one is steeped in egoistic involvement, the other unaffected and pure. The former is exemplified by the love of a man for a woman, the latter, sometimes called divine love or caritas, is a luminous pool of light and not a beam focused on one object at a time. All-embracing, bathing all alike in its radiance.

It must, however, be recognized that the discrimination between spiritual and romantic love is illusory because both are aspects of the same reality. Physical expression of love cannot be excluded because the relationship is on the plane of phenomenality. In a few rare cases, even the sense of doership and possession will not exist.

Recently, I came across an instance where the personal element was not excluded from true love. A nurse recounted: "While taking care of my patient's wound, we began talking, and he told me that he needed to visit the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. She had been there for a while, a victim of Alzheimer's disease. I asked him if his wife would be worried if he was a bit late, whereupon he replied that due to her loss of memory she no longer knew who he was, nor had she recognized him in five years. I was surprised and asked him: 'And you still go every morning?' I had to hold back tears when he smiled, patted my hand and said: 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.' I realized that true love is neither physical nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, that has been, that will or even will not be."

AN INCREDIBLE EXAMPLE

I recently watched again part of the funeral service for Gordon B. Hinckley, the former Prophet and President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. As I listened to President Thomas Monson's heartfelt farewell to one of his dearest friends and associates, some of his words brought back thoughts I'd had years ago. I'd observed that seemingly all the great men and women that preside in the labor of Christ's vineyard not only love and appreciate but truly adore their wonderful spouses. Of everyone I'd heard, among such an incredible group, President Hinckley seemed foremost among even them. I've never seen or heard a man speak so lovingly of his wife than he did on so many occasions.

The quote President Monson shared that got me thinking about this was the following. Speaking of his wife, President Hinckley said, "I am so grateful for her. For 66 years we have walked together, hand in hand, with love and encouragement, with appreciation and respect. It cannot be very long before one of us will step through the veil. I hope the other will follow soon. I just would not know how to get along without her, even on the other side, and I would hope that she would not know how to get along without me."

President Monson continued, "Within six months, his beloved Marjorie had stepped through the veil. He missed her every day, every moment. What a glorious reunion they have now had."

What a tremendous example. From reading Sister Hinckley's autobiography, my mom shared with me that, in their marriage, the Hinckleys had their ups and downs just like everyone else. Sometimes they got on each others' nerves. But they loved each other with everything that they were.

How did they do it? On another occasion, President Hinckley stated, "True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion."

I think that both of the Hinckleys lived by that idea. By being selfless and forgiving and caring about each other, they built a life together that stands and shines with the greatest of any mortal men and women that have ever lived.
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Click here for the link to the address from which President Hinckley's quote about his wife was taken. It was an address to the women of the Church.

EDITS TO CONVENIENCE VS. LOVE

If you haven't read the Convenience vs. Love entry, this won't make any sense to you. Go ahead and read it and then come back to this one.

This post will be a work in progress, as I decided when I reviewed the C vs. L post that I missed a few key points. Rather than mess with the original itself, I'm going to post some amendments here. As I think (and get time) to write more, I'll edit this post and add them.

(4/6/10) Amendment #1.) The most important revision that I thought I needed to make was to clarify that I don't necessarily think that a couple has to endure great hardships to have a love relationship. I more meant that a love relationship can endure terrible things and come out all the stronger. The man and the woman won't shrink because something suddenly appears and messes with their blissful relationship.

A good example of this is in one of my favorite movies, A Walk to Remember. If you haven't watched it and plan to, don't continue reading this paragraph now because it will include spoilers. The movie begins as a typical chick flick with the bad boy (Landon) falling for the good girl (Jamie). She doesn't feel exactly the same way, but he fights for her and does cute things until she falls for him, too. The plot is decent, although unoriginal and unspectacular, until she reveals that she has leukemia. The rest of the movie revolves around Landon sticking it out with her and eventually marrying her despite that she likely won't live. He cares for her and doesn't try to take advantage of her or her weakness while she's in such a fragile state. I can't describe how incredibly well it portrays pure, lasting, and self-sacrificing love.

Their relationship began as a typical one but proved to be one of love once the hard times hit. However, until they did, it was hard to tell what kind of love they had. Even though the movie is fiction, it's loosely based on a true story, so such a relationship did exist.

(4/6/10) Amendment #2.) I imagine that some people who read the last post think I might be delusional or have a "marriage will end all life's problems" outlook. I failed to mention that my thoughts are based on what I've already seen in successful relationships from couples around the country, not from a fanciful idea that came from watching one too many corny movies. I haven't seen a very large number of them, but I know they do exist.

Do such couples still disagree on things? Of course. Do they get on each others nerves occasionally? Absolutely. However, the big difference, if I were to pick the most dominant trait besides love, is selflessness. Both people consistently put their spouse's needs above their own and try to make the other's day a bit easier every day. They work as a team and not as independent people working together. They compromise. They forgive. They don't let their pride get in the way of the most important relationship on Earth.

(5/30/10) Amendment #3.) True love matures and develops over time and thus the outward expressions of it change. At first, it can be difficult to differentiate love combined with infatuation from just plain infatuation. The divide becomes more obvious as time goes on. You know those cute old couples that we all see holding hands and caring for their spouse completely after a great many years? Those are the kind of people who most always, I think, truly love each other. Time has proven the veracity of their devotion and care. Some other couples stay together because it's just the thing to do and some others remain so because there's nowhere else for them to go. They end up being in what resembles more a living arrangement than a relationship of continuing (and increasing) love.

The next post I'm about to make inspired this amendment. I can only hope that I'm blessed to love and be loved when I'm much older.

(5/30/10) Amendment #4.) I don't know if this is really an amendment... probably not. More like an afterthought. Even with the changes I've made, it still feels like I'm missing something or not explaining what I'm trying to clearly. I'll keep thinking about it, but if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions, feel free to give them.

CONVENIENCE VS. LOVE

This idea has been rolling around in my head for a while now, and I think it's time I give it voice. I don't know what the finally caused the deciding impetus, but I felt that I needed to write this now.

I have had many conversations with one of my very good friends on the subject of marriage and the reasons why various people decide to marry who they do. We believe that, as far as the "good" reasons are concerned, there is one of two motives behind everyone's decision: love or convenience.

Convenience isn't so bad as it might sound. What I mean by it is that one decides on a spouse by reasons such as possession of predetermined liked qualities, accomplishments he/she has attained, worldly status, financial situation, etc. In fine, it's when someone marries a person based on a "laundry list" of qualities. If one finds a person who checks off enough things on his list, he will marry that person because she "fits." It has more to do with looking at a person for what he or she is rather than who he or she is.

At this point, someone reading might think "Well, it's important to know what you're looking for and not involve yourself with someone just because they happen to tickle your fancy." I would wholeheartedly agree. If one doesn't set limits and prerequisites for prospective relationship partners, people in relationships often wouldn't be much different than the high school girl who dates the jerk just because she's infatuated with him. Convenient spouses are chosen primarily because of the list and little or nothing else, like the girl who marries a guy just because he's a returned missionary in medical school or the guy who marries the girl who gets along with his family and who's "nice enough." Love usually exists but is not the paramount reason for the union.

A lot of people live contently and even happily in convenient marriages. Those who thrive on things apart from relationships (work, play, study, wealth, etc.) do well in them because the relationship is often stable enough and their primary enjoyment in life comes from something else.

The love motivation (not to be confused with the infatuation or lust motivations) is different in that it focuses more on a person than a list of qualities. Fairytales, epic legends, and stories that begin with Once upon a time typically deal with relationships born of love and are usually anything but convenient. We love hearing tales like these because the man and woman overcome significant obstacles, endure terrible hardships, and go to ludicrous lengths simply out of love and devotion for each other to obtain their Happily ever after. Their near absurdity is what makes them endearing. They put forward what we would want if we had the fortitude and resolve.

That, however, is the problem with relationships of love and why convenient relationships are far more common. True love requires true commitment and, more burdensome, total selflessness. To entirely love someone is to put him or her on a higher pedestal than yourself, something most people aren't willing to do. It requires biting your tongue, forgiving flaws and weaknesses, forgetting past mistakes and transgressions, sharing burdens, trusting completely, doing more than one's share, going the extra mile, doing things that you might rather not but do because it means something to the other person, making yourself vulnerable, being honest, and a whole lot of other things that aren't always the easiest things to do. If Prince Phillip wouldn't have risked his life and fought Maleficent, he wouldn't have saved Princess Aurora. If Belle didn't forgive Beast for being... well, a beast (inside and out), she wouldn't have found true love with him.

Simply put, love is hard. But hard things result in the best things. Part of what led me to begin writing this was listening to President Uctdorf's talk from the recent broadcast in which he spoke about how he fell in love with the girl who would eventually be his wife long before he married her. He had to fight and risk and endure and it eventually paid off. It would probably have been more convenient to be with someone else, but he persevered and married the woman he said he had loved from the moment he saw her.

I'm glad he shared that story because it helps me take heart. It's not easy to find someone who believes in true love and is willing to give what it requires to have it. I have to find someone who still believes in love and in magic, who believes that legendary stories are only the beginning of what's possible, not the end of reality. Corney, I know, but it's true. There are enough people whose laundry lists I check off, but I don't want to be a laundry list. I don't want the woman I love to be one, either. I want to be loved for me and love her for her. To be acceptable, it will have to be something so epic that the only thing left for us to do is be together because nothing else matters.

Yes, convenient relationships might work for some, but I believe in love. And, as Carrie points out, when you figure out it's all that matters, everything else seems so small.

NEUTRAL PARTIES AND DISCOVERIES

I experienced something recently that made me think. I was talking to someone I'd never really met before in a getting-to-know-you sort of way. As we talked about what our interests were and different aspects of our lives (occupation, personal future goals, etc.), I found that I was learning things about myself by talking about myself. While summarizing my life with the other person, I started to see some of the things I wanted in life differently than I had before.

I'm not referring to the foremost goals, dreams, and desires I have. Those haven't changed and I don't anticipate them changing anytime soon. I'm talking more along the lines of things like what I'd do professionally or what I'd like to do or to experience if life's circumstances were ideal (i.e. all monetary needs met, time to spare, other responsibilities put on hold or removed, etc.). I also found it interesting to realize in the same way that some lesser personal goals weren't as important to me as I thought they were.

The idea that struck me is that when we talk to someone who is completely outside the influence of the happenings of our lives, we usually will give our honest opinion about whatever we are talking about to that person. If I had a problem with something at work, I might not tell another coworker my complete thoughts because it might get back to the wrong person and have negative consequences. However, I wouldn't have a problem telling my best friend who hasn't ever even seen where I work. I wouldn't be worried about repercussions from someone that shouldn't know finding out.

Most of the time I already know what I think about something before I tell someone about it. However, it's sometimes informative to note how I express my opinions when I don't have to worry about repercussions coming from what I say. This is most telling when it comes to other people. I can almost always tell how I feel about a person by telling someone completely unrelated to that person of my thoughts on him/her. Sometimes I learn that I have a great deal more respect and admiration for the person than I thought I did, even when I already admired him/her. Other times I've thought I had better feelings toward someone than I find that I actually do. Sometimes I go to vent and, in the process, come to discover that I understand the individual more than I realized and am much more forgiving because of it.

I wonder why it sometimes takes talking to someone else to learn what I already should know. After all, it was always in my own head to begin with.

TINY CHANGES

I recently bought a new bed, a Sleep Number. For anyone unfamiliar with Sleep Numbers, they're basically air mattresses that let you make your side firmer or softer, depending on your preference and sleep style.

I looked into it because, although my bed wasn't too bad, my parents and also my brother Mitch switched to them and all said that it was one of the best decisions they ever made. I figured I didn't have much to lose besides about a hundred bucks (if I didn't like it and had to send it back) so I got myself one.

In short, the decision was very worth it. I seriously only need like 65-70% of the sleep I used to to feel fully rested. A lot of the typical aches and pains that we all get that aren't hindrances beyond being slightly annoying have completely gone away. I wouldn't have figured that making such a small change (the surface I sleep on) could have such a tremendous impact on the rest of each day.

Now, the purpose of me writing this isn't to convince anyone to go out and buy a bed. I was just thinking about it and realized that lots of things in life are similar to upgrading (and in some cases downgrading) to a new bed. Many times it's the little things that result in sweeping impacts. It's the studying a little bit harder for my test instead of checking Facebook every so often that can make the difference between a good test grade and a bad one. The outcome of that test can determine, for better or worse, my scholarships, peace of mind, stress levels, relationships with others, and many other things. Choosing to work a little harder instead of taking a little bit of a longer break determines how superiors see me, possibilities for promotion, etc. Choosing to be a little bit nicer, more selfless, or less confrontational leads to deeper and more meaningful friendships with my friends that have the potential to alter the entire course of my life.

Often times it doesn't require doing anything out of the ordinary but instead just changing how I do ordinary things. I still slept on a bed every night. I'm still sleeping on a bed every night. It's just the quality of a new choice that has resulted in the rest of my waking hours being affected for good. And my bed gave me the good reminder that emphasizing quality in everything I do creates quality results that have a ripple effect in blessing many other areas I hadn't even considered.

Wow... it just hit me that I'm writing about learning a life lesson from my bed. At 0'Dark Thirty in the morning. Yeah, I think my mind is shot and I need to go get some sleep. 'Night night!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

I think the construction workers at the old hospital site across the street from my house have been driving around in reverse for about ten months straight now. I'm greeted just about every morning by the nonstop *beep beep beep beep beep* of heavy equipment backing up. I'm not sure what they're still doing over there, but it must require a lot of driving backwards.

I feel inclined to just write about something simple today, namely (to use an old phrase that was once in vogue) stuff that rocks my socks. To begin, in no particular order, we have:

1.) Hot Water. - How much worse would life be without hot water available on demand? You need to clean something? Bingo. You're freezing cold? Shazam. It has to be one of the best things ever.

2.) Chocolate and Peanut Butter - I submit that the individual who came up with the idea to combine these two incredible substances was a genius. It's like they were made for each other. A big thank you to both George Washington Carver and whoever discovered the full measure of goodness potential contained in the cocoa bean. Also, thanks to Black History Month for both teaching me that George Washington Carver invented the mouthwatering peanut concoction as well as that a Black guy developed the pencil sharpener.

3.) Melted Cheese - My previous sentiments about the combiner of PB and chocolate could be repeated to accurately express my feelings for the person who realized that cheese + heat = awesome. I'm eating an enchilada right now and I am greatly enjoying it. Ah, the power of cheese.

4.) Sushi - How often is something absolutely delicious and incredibly good for you? Not very frequently, that's how. Behold the greatness that is sushi. The only downside is that there's usually only good or bad sushi and little in between. Once you've found a good place, though, you're set.

5.) Good Food - Might as well just cut to the chase and lump it all together. I am very thankful for amazing food. Enjoying delectable delicacies is one of the most wonderful parts of life. Thanks to my friend Ian Cropper for helping me learn that much joy can be found in life through accentuating the little things, especially food, friends, and festivities. I just wish I could get to the point of enjoying vinegar so I could like almost all styles of tasty goodness.

6.) Not Being a Tubbo - I think it proper to mention this after raving on basically the same topic for the last four entries. I kind of sort of used to be a chub until about 9th grade. I'm glad I got that out of the way when I was young, since now I can't let myself go back to it. Once you know what it's like, you won't let it happen again... well, I won't at least. It has definitely been worth the necessary effort.

7.) Good Parenting - I'm exceptionally glad that my parents taught me all of the lessons they did. I'm grateful for their efforts to help me develop the virtues of self control, obedience, willingness to work, confidence, knowing I can do hard things even though they may be difficult, service, and a bunch of other qualities that I probably wouldn't possess if not for their consistent teaching. I'm also thankful for the abundant lessons taught by Heavenly parenting that I couldn't possibly learn otherwise.

8.) Deep Talks - You know those ones that usually occur in the late hours when you let the walls down a bit and spend forever getting to know who the other really is? Yeah, those are great. You'd be hard pressed to develop a deep friendship without having a few of 'em between you and the other person.

9.) Emotion-Rich Music - I'm a big music person. I love melodies and lyrics that actually have deep meaning to the person singing or playing. Music can capture what words utterly fail to convey. There can be twenty people in a room and only one with a guitar, but whatever the musician chooses to play can set the tone for every conversation, even every action of every person in the room without anyone even realizing it.

10.) Loyalty - It's really something else to know someone will back you up, regardless of the consequences. I think it's one of the greatest feelings (not to mention complements) in the world to witness it happen.

11.) The Opportunity to Learn - Maybe more importantly, the love of learning. I'm glad that I'm a curious person who typically wants to know how everything works. I hope I don't stop learning at any point in my life. I'd really hate to find myself being one of those old people who lives on routine and doesn't drink in new information. I get a great sense of satisfaction from learning something new, especially something of tremendous value. Spiritual epiphanies are the best. In the same vein, I also find it of incomparable excellence to learn to understand another person.

12.) Good Books and Stories - I'm a little bit hard to please when it comes to literature, though not for the reason that some might suspect. Just like in music, the most important aspect to me is the emotion. I think the real test of a good book or movie is its ability to project a feeling and make it real to the reader/viewer. A violence or action fest without any depth just won't do. That's probably why most of my favorite books and movies deal with varying types of deep emotions. I want to feel what so-and-so feels, to know what it's like to walk in his or her shoes, to understand what goes on in his or her mind. When I find a work that succeeds in that, I'm usually sleep deprived until I finish it because I can't pull myself away.

13.) Hot Chocolate and Warm Sweaters - This one requires the weather be at least somewhat chilly. I absolutely love experiencing a steep gradient of temperatures simultaneously. Drinking hot chocolate while being out in the cold is great, as is driving with the windows down during winter with the air cranked to scorching hot and blasting at full. The idea of being in a hot tub while it's freezing outside sounds perfect.

14.) Being Spontaneous - Planning activities is great, but nothing can replace the good times that can only be had by coming up with an idea and executing it on the spot. Things like driving to Idaho one night just for the heck of it ('twas a good night) are the spice of life.

15.) Love - Because... well, what's better? :)

WELL I HAD A GOOD RUN WHILE IT LASTED

I'd avoided it for over a year, but now it has reared its ugly head once more. I thought I might get lucky and never have to deal with it again, but it was a vain and foolish hope. I've contracted a cold. Curses.

It's all McKay's fault, you see. I had been going strong until he brought the devilish rhinovirus into our formerly clean home. Mark my words, his uppance for committing such an act will soon come.

I used to get colds all the time. They were my weakness. After about fifteen, I've been nearly impervious to the flu, food poisoning, fevers, etc. and rarely ever got anything besides coughs and sniffles. However, the cold was always a regular visitor about every 3-4 months.

Then, one blessed day, my mom taught me the incredible trick to avoid the dastardly diseases (I feel accomplished for legitimately using "dastardly" in an everyday sentence). When you start to feel one coming on, simply take a teaspoon of baking soda in a glass of water ASAP. Although it tastes foul, it will stop the virus' progression dead in its tracks 90% of the time. This time, however, it was the dreaded other 10% that got through.

The reason I'm writing about this whole situation is because I find it funny that, although the human body is such an incredible and miraculous instrument, it has some of the most ridiculous flaws. For instance, when is the most necessary time to sleep? When you're sick. When is it hardest to sleep? When you're sick. When do you need fluids most? When you're ill. When do you feel least like drinking fluids? When you're ill.

What kind of organism can keep itself running strong for sometimes over one hundred years, heal all sorts of injuries, and fight off all kinds of would-be deadly infections, yet still accidentally kill itself by swelling the wrong area at the wrong time after sustaining damage? Wouldn't it be better if we had a wee bit more personal control over the decisions our bodies make? Like "Hey, self? I know you're choking on that thingy there, but closing off your throat and asphyxiating yourself is not a good idea."

Maybe I should look into various eastern practices that supposedly give one more control over his/her body. Methinks that might come in handy sooner or later.

A STRANGE PHENOMENON

Just as I began writing this, it hit me that it doesn't sit quite right with me when I start out a post with the word I. I asked myself why this was and realized that I've been brought up to not be a "me-monster," or someone who always wants the focus to be on themselves. I think this is a typically a wonderful thing and I'm very grateful that I was reared in such a way. Thanks, mom!

Nevertheless, I'm glad that I have a place that I can write and express my own thoughts and not feel that I'm being overly selfish or self-absorbed, even though it still doesn't feel totally right yet. This thought journal is about my life, so I'm going to write about my life, and do my best to not feel weird about it. Huzzah! What a spectacular feeling. If you, however, don't feel like reading something so extraordinarily boring as this, feel free to head on over to Chuck Norris' personal website instead. I wouldn't blame you.

Anyway, back to my original thought. Before I continue, let me say that I absolutely do not mean to sound like a judgmental self-righteous wanker in any way.

I've been thinking a lot lately about something that, for the life of me, I can't figure out. It's concerning my friends and those particularly close to me. I have some excellent friends who have blessed my life abundantly throughout the years and who have taught me some incredible things. They've been there for me in many situations when I needed a listening ear or help with one thing or another. I've been taught loads of life lessons from my associations with them that many other people don't get an opportunity to learn. I love them and definitely wouldn't trade their friendship for anything.

The oddity is that many of my friends aren't the ones most people would expect me to have. For anyone who doesn't know, I live a relatively strict code of Christian obedience and morality and strive to emulate all of the virtues of Jesus Christ. Although I'm far from perfect and slip on the path all the time, I've by and large tried consistently to do everything He would have me do ever since I learned for myself that He is real and loves me. I've been fortunate to have had some wonderful examples that have helped me in that goal.

A good number of my aforementioned great friends, however, either aren't committed to living the Gospel or have seriously struggled with living it throughout their lives. I don't think that I'm saying anything they'd object to, considering the ones I'm referring to are the first to admit they've had such struggles. Many of them have had to overcome great challenges and I respect them immensely for it.

What I don't understand is why they even want me around. Most of them like to engage in activities that I won't because of promises I have made. I won't compromise my conduct because of the wants or choices of others. However, instead of trying to entice me to go along with their activities when they aren't in line with my code of conduct, they respect my decisions and don't encourage me to do what my standards prohibit. They push me to do the right thing and want me to succeed. When we spend time together, they agree to do things everyone can comfortably do.

When I consider being in their position, I'm not sure I would be amazing enough to bring along the guy who lives a different way than I do and then conform to his standards when I'm with him. It isn't just an isolated case where this has happened, it's occurred everywhere I have lived for any decent amount of time.

The other half to the puzzle is that the opposite is often true for people that live the kind of lifestyle that I do. I get along with just about everybody and could maybe number the people that I really don't get along with on my thumbs. I have many friends that are and have been active members of the LDS Church and have lived by the same standards for a long time. However, there are only a few with whom I have become really close. Although I'm friends with all of my former missionary companions and would put my life on the line for any of them if necessary, I'm not particularly close with any of them anymore.

I don't think it's because I prefer to be around one group of people more than another. As long as someone is respectful, kind, trustworthy, and wants friendship, I'm glad to reciprocate. I've known every girl I've dated to generally share my values, considering that's one type of relationship in which I require the other person to be on the same page as me. It simply seems that, for one reason or another, a lot of people who live like I do just aren't as interested in my friendship as others who don't. I'm not quite sure why this is.

Although it's puzzling, I'm honestly pretty much OK with the whole situation. I've got great friends. That's more than most can say. If I have the opportunity to develop friendships with any good people, regardless who or what they may be, I will.

DREAMS ARE ODD, AREN'T THEY?

I had a couple of strange dreams last night. I would almost consider them nightmares, but not quite. To me, a dream has to be exceptionally bad for it to be considered a nightmare.

What was so bizarre as to make me write about them was that, in both of the dreams, I wasn't the kind of person that I think I am. This is a fairly common occurrence for me. In one, I was more of a pansy and more prone to run away or avoid from the problem in the dream rather than to face it. In the other, I was the "bad guy."

The first struck me as odd because I'm much more likely to try to deal with a problem as soon as possible, even when it's better to be left alone. For instance, when I'm given a project to work on, I typically prefer to set aside eight hours and just get it done rather than work two hours a day and finish it within a week. Setting things aside or even avoiding them altogether just doesn't go with who I am. This is especially true in dangerous situations, as I'd rather deal with the problem or person than try to run away from it or them.

The second was even more strange because I can't be a bad person, even in pretend situations. If a role in a play, program, game, or anything else calls for me to pretend to be evil, I can hardly do it. Even fake evil bugs me. Something inside of me just recoils at hurting people or committing crime, regardless whether it's made up or real. That my mind could conjure the idea up of me participating in things that my waking mind finds so repulsive is kind of troubling.

I'm at a loss as to why I have different personalities in my dreams than I do while I'm awake. I'm curious if other people have the same thing happen to them. Maybe it's just a natural part of being human. Maybe I'm just a weirdo. I wouldn't rule the latter out. :)

A NEW BEGINNING

Admittedly, this isn't my first post on this blog (from now on, I'm going to call this whole thingy a thought journal because the word "blog" doesn't really float my boat). I wrote a fairly lengthy original post a little while ago but I deleted it. I decided I wanted this journal to be of a different feel than the first post set.

I confess I like to write. It makes me feel productive and gives me the illusion that I might actually have something important to say that someone would like to read (silly me). Who knows, though. Maybe I'll think of something once in a while that resonates with someone else. Even a blind squirrel finds the occasional nut, right?

One difficulty with the above statement that begins the paragraph is that I'm also a rather private person. You know those incredible lyricists and poets who write extraordinary songs and poems about extremely personal issues that end up connecting with everyone else? Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people. The idea of putting my heart and soul on display for all to see isn't something comfortable to me. It takes a lot of trust for me to confide in another person and let him/her know what I really think and feel. To everyone else, I prefer to express myself in symbols than direct messages.

Hopefully writing in this will help me come out of that, to a point. Don't get me wrong, my primary reason for writing is, well, because I like to write. However, if I can learn something productive in the process, that would just be fantastic, now wouldn't it?