CONVENIENCE VS. LOVE

This idea has been rolling around in my head for a while now, and I think it's time I give it voice. I don't know what the finally caused the deciding impetus, but I felt that I needed to write this now.

I have had many conversations with one of my very good friends on the subject of marriage and the reasons why various people decide to marry who they do. We believe that, as far as the "good" reasons are concerned, there is one of two motives behind everyone's decision: love or convenience.

Convenience isn't so bad as it might sound. What I mean by it is that one decides on a spouse by reasons such as possession of predetermined liked qualities, accomplishments he/she has attained, worldly status, financial situation, etc. In fine, it's when someone marries a person based on a "laundry list" of qualities. If one finds a person who checks off enough things on his list, he will marry that person because she "fits." It has more to do with looking at a person for what he or she is rather than who he or she is.

At this point, someone reading might think "Well, it's important to know what you're looking for and not involve yourself with someone just because they happen to tickle your fancy." I would wholeheartedly agree. If one doesn't set limits and prerequisites for prospective relationship partners, people in relationships often wouldn't be much different than the high school girl who dates the jerk just because she's infatuated with him. Convenient spouses are chosen primarily because of the list and little or nothing else, like the girl who marries a guy just because he's a returned missionary in medical school or the guy who marries the girl who gets along with his family and who's "nice enough." Love usually exists but is not the paramount reason for the union.

A lot of people live contently and even happily in convenient marriages. Those who thrive on things apart from relationships (work, play, study, wealth, etc.) do well in them because the relationship is often stable enough and their primary enjoyment in life comes from something else.

The love motivation (not to be confused with the infatuation or lust motivations) is different in that it focuses more on a person than a list of qualities. Fairytales, epic legends, and stories that begin with Once upon a time typically deal with relationships born of love and are usually anything but convenient. We love hearing tales like these because the man and woman overcome significant obstacles, endure terrible hardships, and go to ludicrous lengths simply out of love and devotion for each other to obtain their Happily ever after. Their near absurdity is what makes them endearing. They put forward what we would want if we had the fortitude and resolve.

That, however, is the problem with relationships of love and why convenient relationships are far more common. True love requires true commitment and, more burdensome, total selflessness. To entirely love someone is to put him or her on a higher pedestal than yourself, something most people aren't willing to do. It requires biting your tongue, forgiving flaws and weaknesses, forgetting past mistakes and transgressions, sharing burdens, trusting completely, doing more than one's share, going the extra mile, doing things that you might rather not but do because it means something to the other person, making yourself vulnerable, being honest, and a whole lot of other things that aren't always the easiest things to do. If Prince Phillip wouldn't have risked his life and fought Maleficent, he wouldn't have saved Princess Aurora. If Belle didn't forgive Beast for being... well, a beast (inside and out), she wouldn't have found true love with him.

Simply put, love is hard. But hard things result in the best things. Part of what led me to begin writing this was listening to President Uctdorf's talk from the recent broadcast in which he spoke about how he fell in love with the girl who would eventually be his wife long before he married her. He had to fight and risk and endure and it eventually paid off. It would probably have been more convenient to be with someone else, but he persevered and married the woman he said he had loved from the moment he saw her.

I'm glad he shared that story because it helps me take heart. It's not easy to find someone who believes in true love and is willing to give what it requires to have it. I have to find someone who still believes in love and in magic, who believes that legendary stories are only the beginning of what's possible, not the end of reality. Corney, I know, but it's true. There are enough people whose laundry lists I check off, but I don't want to be a laundry list. I don't want the woman I love to be one, either. I want to be loved for me and love her for her. To be acceptable, it will have to be something so epic that the only thing left for us to do is be together because nothing else matters.

Yes, convenient relationships might work for some, but I believe in love. And, as Carrie points out, when you figure out it's all that matters, everything else seems so small.

NEUTRAL PARTIES AND DISCOVERIES

I experienced something recently that made me think. I was talking to someone I'd never really met before in a getting-to-know-you sort of way. As we talked about what our interests were and different aspects of our lives (occupation, personal future goals, etc.), I found that I was learning things about myself by talking about myself. While summarizing my life with the other person, I started to see some of the things I wanted in life differently than I had before.

I'm not referring to the foremost goals, dreams, and desires I have. Those haven't changed and I don't anticipate them changing anytime soon. I'm talking more along the lines of things like what I'd do professionally or what I'd like to do or to experience if life's circumstances were ideal (i.e. all monetary needs met, time to spare, other responsibilities put on hold or removed, etc.). I also found it interesting to realize in the same way that some lesser personal goals weren't as important to me as I thought they were.

The idea that struck me is that when we talk to someone who is completely outside the influence of the happenings of our lives, we usually will give our honest opinion about whatever we are talking about to that person. If I had a problem with something at work, I might not tell another coworker my complete thoughts because it might get back to the wrong person and have negative consequences. However, I wouldn't have a problem telling my best friend who hasn't ever even seen where I work. I wouldn't be worried about repercussions from someone that shouldn't know finding out.

Most of the time I already know what I think about something before I tell someone about it. However, it's sometimes informative to note how I express my opinions when I don't have to worry about repercussions coming from what I say. This is most telling when it comes to other people. I can almost always tell how I feel about a person by telling someone completely unrelated to that person of my thoughts on him/her. Sometimes I learn that I have a great deal more respect and admiration for the person than I thought I did, even when I already admired him/her. Other times I've thought I had better feelings toward someone than I find that I actually do. Sometimes I go to vent and, in the process, come to discover that I understand the individual more than I realized and am much more forgiving because of it.

I wonder why it sometimes takes talking to someone else to learn what I already should know. After all, it was always in my own head to begin with.

TINY CHANGES

I recently bought a new bed, a Sleep Number. For anyone unfamiliar with Sleep Numbers, they're basically air mattresses that let you make your side firmer or softer, depending on your preference and sleep style.

I looked into it because, although my bed wasn't too bad, my parents and also my brother Mitch switched to them and all said that it was one of the best decisions they ever made. I figured I didn't have much to lose besides about a hundred bucks (if I didn't like it and had to send it back) so I got myself one.

In short, the decision was very worth it. I seriously only need like 65-70% of the sleep I used to to feel fully rested. A lot of the typical aches and pains that we all get that aren't hindrances beyond being slightly annoying have completely gone away. I wouldn't have figured that making such a small change (the surface I sleep on) could have such a tremendous impact on the rest of each day.

Now, the purpose of me writing this isn't to convince anyone to go out and buy a bed. I was just thinking about it and realized that lots of things in life are similar to upgrading (and in some cases downgrading) to a new bed. Many times it's the little things that result in sweeping impacts. It's the studying a little bit harder for my test instead of checking Facebook every so often that can make the difference between a good test grade and a bad one. The outcome of that test can determine, for better or worse, my scholarships, peace of mind, stress levels, relationships with others, and many other things. Choosing to work a little harder instead of taking a little bit of a longer break determines how superiors see me, possibilities for promotion, etc. Choosing to be a little bit nicer, more selfless, or less confrontational leads to deeper and more meaningful friendships with my friends that have the potential to alter the entire course of my life.

Often times it doesn't require doing anything out of the ordinary but instead just changing how I do ordinary things. I still slept on a bed every night. I'm still sleeping on a bed every night. It's just the quality of a new choice that has resulted in the rest of my waking hours being affected for good. And my bed gave me the good reminder that emphasizing quality in everything I do creates quality results that have a ripple effect in blessing many other areas I hadn't even considered.

Wow... it just hit me that I'm writing about learning a life lesson from my bed. At 0'Dark Thirty in the morning. Yeah, I think my mind is shot and I need to go get some sleep. 'Night night!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS

I think the construction workers at the old hospital site across the street from my house have been driving around in reverse for about ten months straight now. I'm greeted just about every morning by the nonstop *beep beep beep beep beep* of heavy equipment backing up. I'm not sure what they're still doing over there, but it must require a lot of driving backwards.

I feel inclined to just write about something simple today, namely (to use an old phrase that was once in vogue) stuff that rocks my socks. To begin, in no particular order, we have:

1.) Hot Water. - How much worse would life be without hot water available on demand? You need to clean something? Bingo. You're freezing cold? Shazam. It has to be one of the best things ever.

2.) Chocolate and Peanut Butter - I submit that the individual who came up with the idea to combine these two incredible substances was a genius. It's like they were made for each other. A big thank you to both George Washington Carver and whoever discovered the full measure of goodness potential contained in the cocoa bean. Also, thanks to Black History Month for both teaching me that George Washington Carver invented the mouthwatering peanut concoction as well as that a Black guy developed the pencil sharpener.

3.) Melted Cheese - My previous sentiments about the combiner of PB and chocolate could be repeated to accurately express my feelings for the person who realized that cheese + heat = awesome. I'm eating an enchilada right now and I am greatly enjoying it. Ah, the power of cheese.

4.) Sushi - How often is something absolutely delicious and incredibly good for you? Not very frequently, that's how. Behold the greatness that is sushi. The only downside is that there's usually only good or bad sushi and little in between. Once you've found a good place, though, you're set.

5.) Good Food - Might as well just cut to the chase and lump it all together. I am very thankful for amazing food. Enjoying delectable delicacies is one of the most wonderful parts of life. Thanks to my friend Ian Cropper for helping me learn that much joy can be found in life through accentuating the little things, especially food, friends, and festivities. I just wish I could get to the point of enjoying vinegar so I could like almost all styles of tasty goodness.

6.) Not Being a Tubbo - I think it proper to mention this after raving on basically the same topic for the last four entries. I kind of sort of used to be a chub until about 9th grade. I'm glad I got that out of the way when I was young, since now I can't let myself go back to it. Once you know what it's like, you won't let it happen again... well, I won't at least. It has definitely been worth the necessary effort.

7.) Good Parenting - I'm exceptionally glad that my parents taught me all of the lessons they did. I'm grateful for their efforts to help me develop the virtues of self control, obedience, willingness to work, confidence, knowing I can do hard things even though they may be difficult, service, and a bunch of other qualities that I probably wouldn't possess if not for their consistent teaching. I'm also thankful for the abundant lessons taught by Heavenly parenting that I couldn't possibly learn otherwise.

8.) Deep Talks - You know those ones that usually occur in the late hours when you let the walls down a bit and spend forever getting to know who the other really is? Yeah, those are great. You'd be hard pressed to develop a deep friendship without having a few of 'em between you and the other person.

9.) Emotion-Rich Music - I'm a big music person. I love melodies and lyrics that actually have deep meaning to the person singing or playing. Music can capture what words utterly fail to convey. There can be twenty people in a room and only one with a guitar, but whatever the musician chooses to play can set the tone for every conversation, even every action of every person in the room without anyone even realizing it.

10.) Loyalty - It's really something else to know someone will back you up, regardless of the consequences. I think it's one of the greatest feelings (not to mention complements) in the world to witness it happen.

11.) The Opportunity to Learn - Maybe more importantly, the love of learning. I'm glad that I'm a curious person who typically wants to know how everything works. I hope I don't stop learning at any point in my life. I'd really hate to find myself being one of those old people who lives on routine and doesn't drink in new information. I get a great sense of satisfaction from learning something new, especially something of tremendous value. Spiritual epiphanies are the best. In the same vein, I also find it of incomparable excellence to learn to understand another person.

12.) Good Books and Stories - I'm a little bit hard to please when it comes to literature, though not for the reason that some might suspect. Just like in music, the most important aspect to me is the emotion. I think the real test of a good book or movie is its ability to project a feeling and make it real to the reader/viewer. A violence or action fest without any depth just won't do. That's probably why most of my favorite books and movies deal with varying types of deep emotions. I want to feel what so-and-so feels, to know what it's like to walk in his or her shoes, to understand what goes on in his or her mind. When I find a work that succeeds in that, I'm usually sleep deprived until I finish it because I can't pull myself away.

13.) Hot Chocolate and Warm Sweaters - This one requires the weather be at least somewhat chilly. I absolutely love experiencing a steep gradient of temperatures simultaneously. Drinking hot chocolate while being out in the cold is great, as is driving with the windows down during winter with the air cranked to scorching hot and blasting at full. The idea of being in a hot tub while it's freezing outside sounds perfect.

14.) Being Spontaneous - Planning activities is great, but nothing can replace the good times that can only be had by coming up with an idea and executing it on the spot. Things like driving to Idaho one night just for the heck of it ('twas a good night) are the spice of life.

15.) Love - Because... well, what's better? :)