This idea has been rolling around in my head for a while now, and I think it's time I give it voice. I don't know what the finally caused the deciding impetus, but I felt that I needed to write this now.
I have had many conversations with one of my very good friends on the subject of marriage and the reasons why various people decide to marry who they do. We believe that, as far as the "good" reasons are concerned, there is one of two motives behind everyone's decision: love or convenience.
Convenience isn't so bad as it might sound. What I mean by it is that one decides on a spouse by reasons such as possession of predetermined liked qualities, accomplishments he/she has attained, worldly status, financial situation, etc. In fine, it's when someone marries a person based on a "laundry list" of qualities. If one finds a person who checks off enough things on his list, he will marry that person because she "fits." It has more to do with looking at a person for what he or she is rather than who he or she is.
At this point, someone reading might think "Well, it's important to know what you're looking for and not involve yourself with someone just because they happen to tickle your fancy." I would wholeheartedly agree. If one doesn't set limits and prerequisites for prospective relationship partners, people in relationships often wouldn't be much different than the high school girl who dates the jerk just because she's infatuated with him. Convenient spouses are chosen primarily because of the list and little or nothing else, like the girl who marries a guy just because he's a returned missionary in medical school or the guy who marries the girl who gets along with his family and who's "nice enough." Love usually exists but is not the paramount reason for the union.
A lot of people live contently and even happily in convenient marriages. Those who thrive on things apart from relationships (work, play, study, wealth, etc.) do well in them because the relationship is often stable enough and their primary enjoyment in life comes from something else.
The love motivation (not to be confused with the infatuation or lust motivations) is different in that it focuses more on a person than a list of qualities. Fairytales, epic legends, and stories that begin with Once upon a time typically deal with relationships born of love and are usually anything but convenient. We love hearing tales like these because the man and woman overcome significant obstacles, endure terrible hardships, and go to ludicrous lengths simply out of love and devotion for each other to obtain their Happily ever after. Their near absurdity is what makes them endearing. They put forward what we would want if we had the fortitude and resolve.
That, however, is the problem with relationships of love and why convenient relationships are far more common. True love requires true commitment and, more burdensome, total selflessness. To entirely love someone is to put him or her on a higher pedestal than yourself, something most people aren't willing to do. It requires biting your tongue, forgiving flaws and weaknesses, forgetting past mistakes and transgressions, sharing burdens, trusting completely, doing more than one's share, going the extra mile, doing things that you might rather not but do because it means something to the other person, making yourself vulnerable, being honest, and a whole lot of other things that aren't always the easiest things to do. If Prince Phillip wouldn't have risked his life and fought Maleficent, he wouldn't have saved Princess Aurora. If Belle didn't forgive Beast for being... well, a beast (inside and out), she wouldn't have found true love with him.
Simply put, love is hard. But hard things result in the best things. Part of what led me to begin writing this was listening to President Uctdorf's talk from the recent broadcast in which he spoke about how he fell in love with the girl who would eventually be his wife long before he married her. He had to fight and risk and endure and it eventually paid off. It would probably have been more convenient to be with someone else, but he persevered and married the woman he said he had loved from the moment he saw her.
I'm glad he shared that story because it helps me take heart. It's not easy to find someone who believes in true love and is willing to give what it requires to have it. I have to find someone who still believes in love and in magic, who believes that legendary stories are only the beginning of what's possible, not the end of reality. Corney, I know, but it's true. There are enough people whose laundry lists I check off, but I don't want to be a laundry list. I don't want the woman I love to be one, either. I want to be loved for me and love her for her. To be acceptable, it will have to be something so epic that the only thing left for us to do is be together because nothing else matters.
Yes, convenient relationships might work for some, but I believe in love. And, as Carrie points out, when you figure out it's all that matters, everything else seems so small.
I have had many conversations with one of my very good friends on the subject of marriage and the reasons why various people decide to marry who they do. We believe that, as far as the "good" reasons are concerned, there is one of two motives behind everyone's decision: love or convenience.
Convenience isn't so bad as it might sound. What I mean by it is that one decides on a spouse by reasons such as possession of predetermined liked qualities, accomplishments he/she has attained, worldly status, financial situation, etc. In fine, it's when someone marries a person based on a "laundry list" of qualities. If one finds a person who checks off enough things on his list, he will marry that person because she "fits." It has more to do with looking at a person for what he or she is rather than who he or she is.
At this point, someone reading might think "Well, it's important to know what you're looking for and not involve yourself with someone just because they happen to tickle your fancy." I would wholeheartedly agree. If one doesn't set limits and prerequisites for prospective relationship partners, people in relationships often wouldn't be much different than the high school girl who dates the jerk just because she's infatuated with him. Convenient spouses are chosen primarily because of the list and little or nothing else, like the girl who marries a guy just because he's a returned missionary in medical school or the guy who marries the girl who gets along with his family and who's "nice enough." Love usually exists but is not the paramount reason for the union.
A lot of people live contently and even happily in convenient marriages. Those who thrive on things apart from relationships (work, play, study, wealth, etc.) do well in them because the relationship is often stable enough and their primary enjoyment in life comes from something else.
The love motivation (not to be confused with the infatuation or lust motivations) is different in that it focuses more on a person than a list of qualities. Fairytales, epic legends, and stories that begin with Once upon a time typically deal with relationships born of love and are usually anything but convenient. We love hearing tales like these because the man and woman overcome significant obstacles, endure terrible hardships, and go to ludicrous lengths simply out of love and devotion for each other to obtain their Happily ever after. Their near absurdity is what makes them endearing. They put forward what we would want if we had the fortitude and resolve.
That, however, is the problem with relationships of love and why convenient relationships are far more common. True love requires true commitment and, more burdensome, total selflessness. To entirely love someone is to put him or her on a higher pedestal than yourself, something most people aren't willing to do. It requires biting your tongue, forgiving flaws and weaknesses, forgetting past mistakes and transgressions, sharing burdens, trusting completely, doing more than one's share, going the extra mile, doing things that you might rather not but do because it means something to the other person, making yourself vulnerable, being honest, and a whole lot of other things that aren't always the easiest things to do. If Prince Phillip wouldn't have risked his life and fought Maleficent, he wouldn't have saved Princess Aurora. If Belle didn't forgive Beast for being... well, a beast (inside and out), she wouldn't have found true love with him.
Simply put, love is hard. But hard things result in the best things. Part of what led me to begin writing this was listening to President Uctdorf's talk from the recent broadcast in which he spoke about how he fell in love with the girl who would eventually be his wife long before he married her. He had to fight and risk and endure and it eventually paid off. It would probably have been more convenient to be with someone else, but he persevered and married the woman he said he had loved from the moment he saw her.
I'm glad he shared that story because it helps me take heart. It's not easy to find someone who believes in true love and is willing to give what it requires to have it. I have to find someone who still believes in love and in magic, who believes that legendary stories are only the beginning of what's possible, not the end of reality. Corney, I know, but it's true. There are enough people whose laundry lists I check off, but I don't want to be a laundry list. I don't want the woman I love to be one, either. I want to be loved for me and love her for her. To be acceptable, it will have to be something so epic that the only thing left for us to do is be together because nothing else matters.
Yes, convenient relationships might work for some, but I believe in love. And, as Carrie points out, when you figure out it's all that matters, everything else seems so small.
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